facing soledad
Today I missed work because I could barely move my limbs. My head felt enlarged and my eyes swollen from crying about this thing that I can only recall crying over a total of four times in my entire life; two of those times in the last 6 months. As I am thirty now, mother of two, wife twice and so many other things I wanted to be when I grew up, now it is time to be A.J.’s active, aware, present daughter. Doctor Valerie said today, not so much for him but for me. I have donned the fatherless daughter dress for so long that it has gotten to be a bit of a costume. It is time to go to my father – as an adult, without a grandmother or auntie escort – and get to know him. Leave “fatherless” to those who still need it.
I was afraid on and off all day that I couldn’t do it. And then maybe I wasn’t afraid, maybe I was just so used to feeling like afraid was enough of an excuse to not to do it, that I pulled it out like a kitchen knife - a silly, useless defense.
“I am my father’s daughter. I am not afraid of anything”
This is favorite line in my favorite movie, Elizabeth, and yet.
I called his counselor today after hours of being put through, to dead lines or incessant ringing or random voicemail systems. He was friendly enough. Enough to stretch my hope just a little bit further. Enough for me to book a room at the Soledad Best Western and find suitable sitters so that I can take a trip that is long overdue.
I can’t allow myself to think about it. I will go no matter what. I will sit there until he arrives and I will lay my eyes on my father for the first time in over 15 years; I will cry them out.
I was afraid on and off all day that I couldn’t do it. And then maybe I wasn’t afraid, maybe I was just so used to feeling like afraid was enough of an excuse to not to do it, that I pulled it out like a kitchen knife - a silly, useless defense.
“I am my father’s daughter. I am not afraid of anything”
This is favorite line in my favorite movie, Elizabeth, and yet.
I called his counselor today after hours of being put through, to dead lines or incessant ringing or random voicemail systems. He was friendly enough. Enough to stretch my hope just a little bit further. Enough for me to book a room at the Soledad Best Western and find suitable sitters so that I can take a trip that is long overdue.
I can’t allow myself to think about it. I will go no matter what. I will sit there until he arrives and I will lay my eyes on my father for the first time in over 15 years; I will cry them out.
posted by A Girl Again at 11:59 PM
2 Comments:
you are not alone! call me call friends allow those that love you to help you to comfort you to cook for you to play in your hair to revisit comfortable spaces and remind you that you are not alone!
Strip yourself, close your eyes and hold up your hands to heaven. Let God give you new clothes, the garments of praise for your despair.
It is time, isn't it?
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