what I will do: revisited - part 1
I will keep my mind on this.
I have not stopped thinking about my father since I left Soledad. I am smiling because I think he has on him what I kept detecting – slightly – on so many random boys/men in my life; false detections which led me to so many useless relationships and heartbreaks. Except his is authentic, the real thing; that "New Boy Smell". Thinking about him makes my heart race. I want to be there for him in every way because he was there for me in the only way that matters to me now: in the making. His absence and the circumstances surrounding it, were central to the prcess of shaping and molding the ‘me’ today. So, from now until the day he is no more, if it is the only contribution he makes to my life, I will be forever grateful.
I suspect though, that contributing to my birth will not be the only thing that he finally has to offer. He was full-speed-ahead trying to teach me all of the things a father teaches a daughter between the ages of age eight and thirty. We talked about stranger saftey and the importance of keeping tight connections with family members and how to open a checking account and establish good credit (this right after I told him I had just bought my first home!) He is so eager to parent me; show and tell me things. I could feel his urgency to get it all out, to get me up to speed with the facts-of-life and in return I wished that I could, just for a single fairytale moment, gently take my heart out and show him how hard it was beating in response to him and all of his love.
What I did learn in that impossibly small five hour window that I spent with my father, is that good daddies do everything they can, when they can, with whatever resources they have available, for their daughters. I was certain from sitting there next to him, listening intently to his words and watching carefully his grave yet tender expressions, that if any one of those C.O.'s would have escorted him back to his cell so that he could go under his bunk and bring me back the whole world, he would have.
to be continued…
I have not stopped thinking about my father since I left Soledad. I am smiling because I think he has on him what I kept detecting – slightly – on so many random boys/men in my life; false detections which led me to so many useless relationships and heartbreaks. Except his is authentic, the real thing; that "New Boy Smell". Thinking about him makes my heart race. I want to be there for him in every way because he was there for me in the only way that matters to me now: in the making. His absence and the circumstances surrounding it, were central to the prcess of shaping and molding the ‘me’ today. So, from now until the day he is no more, if it is the only contribution he makes to my life, I will be forever grateful.
I suspect though, that contributing to my birth will not be the only thing that he finally has to offer. He was full-speed-ahead trying to teach me all of the things a father teaches a daughter between the ages of age eight and thirty. We talked about stranger saftey and the importance of keeping tight connections with family members and how to open a checking account and establish good credit (this right after I told him I had just bought my first home!) He is so eager to parent me; show and tell me things. I could feel his urgency to get it all out, to get me up to speed with the facts-of-life and in return I wished that I could, just for a single fairytale moment, gently take my heart out and show him how hard it was beating in response to him and all of his love.
What I did learn in that impossibly small five hour window that I spent with my father, is that good daddies do everything they can, when they can, with whatever resources they have available, for their daughters. I was certain from sitting there next to him, listening intently to his words and watching carefully his grave yet tender expressions, that if any one of those C.O.'s would have escorted him back to his cell so that he could go under his bunk and bring me back the whole world, he would have.
to be continued…
posted by A Girl Again at 11:15 AM
5 Comments:
awww. you have a gift. and i think you should use it to help others.
words heal wounds
i am so happy for you! to sit, and touch, and listen--even for 5 hours--is such a gift, especially in these situations.
I am glad for you, and I am glad for your dad.
Your blog really speaks to the power of love under any circumstance, and through any amount of time. I am happy you have found your Soledad.
I pray that the feelings that you are having right now will always be with you.
this is truly awesome!
This is a touching testimony. I look forward to the next post.
Wonderful. My heart is so full for you. Your open hands and heart are a blessing to me. Thank you, both for going and for sharing.
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