to sleep is to dream
3/16/16
8:30 p.m. [in bed]
There is no one to call. No one to call and tell that I am so tired. That I am running so fast in my head that my actual body is exhausted. I have imagined the scene from so many angles. In one, I faint. But I’m panicked because if I faint, will they rush him away? Will the make me go home when I wake? In another, I climb in his lap, lay my head on his chest like I can never really recall doing. But it’s a prison and they will never allow that and I am thirty and decorum will never allow that. The little daughters are so lucky. Then I see me driving so many miles just to be turned away again. This makes me want to sleep, forever.
8:30 p.m. [in bed]
There is no one to call. No one to call and tell that I am so tired. That I am running so fast in my head that my actual body is exhausted. I have imagined the scene from so many angles. In one, I faint. But I’m panicked because if I faint, will they rush him away? Will the make me go home when I wake? In another, I climb in his lap, lay my head on his chest like I can never really recall doing. But it’s a prison and they will never allow that and I am thirty and decorum will never allow that. The little daughters are so lucky. Then I see me driving so many miles just to be turned away again. This makes me want to sleep, forever.
posted by A Girl Again at 9:21 AM
7 Comments:
i know it's easier said than done, but don't get yourself so worked up. relax, or try to relax at least. it will be fine. you won't be turned away & you will finally get to see and hug your daddy. enjoy it.
i second that. we both know that touching comes from the heart not just the hands!
i'm soo proud of you! sending you lots of love~
Thank you B. Thank you Miss Lady. Gather up your prayer cloths and go with me this Sunday in spirit. I am so ready.
I'll be with you too. Everything will be alright.
Thank you Lisa.
I am typing slow here. I want to say the good things, the faithful things, but more than that I just want to hug you, to stroke your hair, to bless your heart.
I, too, know that daddy longing, a hunger that when so long starved, stops wanting to eat. A hunger that must be forced to eat at long last and when it swallows becomes as starved as before. May all your love be made whole and your heart be full.
May Father God allow you to climb into his lap and feel his breath upon your back as go to see your earthly father. Thank you so much for this. For real.
When I told my parents I was pregnant my mother wouldn't (couldn't?) speak to me. My father took me up on his lap and held me and I knew I was loved. He hadn't done that for 30 years I think. I wish that for you too.
I am reading this late so I can't wish you well on the visit... but I do call up for you hope for the future.
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